Your Daily Bacon Spring 2019

By Buddy Simmons

Hello there again, bacon connoisseurs! We’re back with another edition of Your Daily Bacon. We are hitting the newswires for material again like we did for our last rendition. That’s mainly because the trough was not dry, to our surprise. During a scan of the internet, we learned there were a few amusing – and somewhat unsettling – stories. While not late-breaking headline news, these are fairly recent, all things considered.

We do eat other meats, but wrapping them in bacon 
just makes them better! What doesn’t bacon make better?

Pigs are reputed to be pretty intelligent animals. This first pig tale leaves us wondering just how clever they really are…

In Champaign, Illinois, a tractor trailer carrying a load of pigs overturned on Interstate I-57 north, resulting in pigs on the interstate on the lam. Law enforcement was called, of course, who in turn brought in the University of Illinois Vet-med to assist and the pigs were herded into the median. The driver and another car that got involved in the crash were unharmed, but the story did not mention any pig casualties. 
What gives us pause is this. Did the pigs engineer this mishap? Did somebody slip up and mention the final destination within earshot of the pigs? Pigs are clever, but perhaps they’re even smarter than we gave them credit for.

You can probably figure out what happened next. It didn’t work entirely as planned and they were recaptured without incident. To paraphrase the poet Robert Burns, “The best laid plans of pigs and men go often askew.”

Not bad, but we’d change it to “Bacon is red, bacon is 
nifty. One strip is never enough, and neither is fifty.”

Next, this one is from a year ago, but simply too rich to pas up reporting.
A police dispatcher in North Ridgeville, Ohio received a rather unusual call from a man in the early morning. It seems that…hey, you know what? We’ll just copy a transcript of the call – it will do this story more justice.

Dispatcher: North Ridgeville police.
Caller: Uh, hi, I’m walking from the Elyria train station to my house in North Ridgeville and a random pig just came up and started following me.
Dispatcher: A pig, you said?
Caller: Yes. Short pause. “It seems very keen to stay with me, so…

Naturally, the cops were a bit skeptical and figured they were dealing with a very inebriated individual, to say the least. What would anybody think, really?
But police officers are duty-bound, so went to the location to see what was up. Upon arriving they discovered that a pig was, in fact, following the man who had placed the call. The man was not intoxicated, and the pig was not imaginary, but he was apparently lonely. The surprised police took the pig into custody. 

“We will acknowledge the irony of the pig in a police car so that anyone that thinks they’re funny is actually unoriginal and trying too hard,” the department said in a statement.
The pig was placed into the custody of the local dog kennel and the owner was tracked down eventually. How this was accomplished was not detailed, but it turns out the pig’s name was “Zoe” and she was returned to her home. All’s well that ends well!

Now, we are blurring the Daily Bacon lines a little to report a scientific breakthrough, if it can be called that. Given the normal tone of Your Daily Bacon, naturally it will be a bit flippant. This is such a major thing that it probably will not be news by the time you read this, but just in case, here it is.

Scientists have managed to reanimate deceased pig brain cells! Yup. They did. Now, this does not mean that they were able to create a fully functional pig by resurrecting its brain, but it is definitely a breakthrough that could have a lasting impact on medicine and the world. Mind you, reviving some cells and reviving a brain are two very different situations. But still, the implications could be staggering.

There’s innovation, and then there is sheer genius. 
This transcends both!

Now, whether that impact will be a cure for brain maladies, or the Earth being overrun with zombie pigs, remains to be seen. And while those brain cells were no doubt revived in a sterile laboratory and restricted to a petri dish, being “Your Daily Bacon”, we cannot help but imagine a Victor Frankenstein-type character strapping a deceased pig to a table and raising it into a lightning storm and then shouting, “It’s alive! It’s alive!”
Also in that scenario, there could be two very different results. Result A would be success, a Frankenpig! Result B might be a really well-cooked, tender collection of bacon, pork loin, etc. In other words a win-win for Victor Frankenstein.

Here are a few short-takes of other newsworthy pigs.
In the Bahamas, a Venezuelan model was posing was posing for a swimsuit photo shoot when a group of four feral pigs wandered over to take a closer look. One decided to sample the model and gave her an unexpected nibble. Understandably, the model gave a squeal, probably not a good idea considering the nature of her assailants, and when another pig decided to give chase, the hapless lady fled to some rocks. The model was unharmed and took it in good humour after the initial shock wore off.

A pig in Franschhoek, South Africa has entered the world of art. When it was discovered that the young pig liked to play with paintbrushes, the only toys she did not eat. The owners decided to provide some paint and a canvas to see what would happen…and what happened was the pig began to actually paint the canvas.  Her preferred style is abstract, and the paintings reportedly sold on the Internet for thousands of dollars. Her name, if you have not guessed it already, is now “Pigcasso.”

And that’s it for this time around. Don’t forget to send us any pertinent pig news you may come across!