True Crime!
By Buddy Simmons
We here at Your Daily Bacon are pretty diligent about scouring the internet for interesting pig tails, er, we mean pig tales, but for this edition, we found the pickings to be a bit slim. But fear not, we did discover a few stories of interest from days past that slipped beneath our radar, so we are happy (relieved) to be able to pass them on to you.
This first one is actually pretty recent. A report published on November 14thof this year revealed the story of assault and bacon battery. It seems that an unnamed woman who worked in the kitchen at a McDonald’s in Bluffton South Carolina, decided to snack a bit on the bacon that was presumably awaiting to be served. Her manager spotted her helping herself to some free tasty pork-product, and instructed her to just cut it out, after which the hungry worker acknowledged the reprimand…and then helped herself again to another couple crispy strips.
Now, we know what you are thinking, the same thing as we did. “Who could blame her?”
While bacon is extremely tempting, in a civilized society we wait for somebody to offer it to us, not steal it. The bacon-snatcher apparently was not a follower of this code. And as a result, the manager told the woman’s boss. (That bit is a little confusing, at McDonald’s wouldn’t the manager BE the boss?)
Anyway, in retaliation, the bacon thief, upon learning she had been ratted out, backed the manager into a corner and proceeded to attempt to shove hot crispy bacon into the manager’s face. Again you are probably thinking as we did, “Um, what’s the crime in that? Bacon is great, who cares about the delivery method?” But there is a difference between somebody shoving bacon into your mouth and into your face, after-all. The former is a tasty, if perhaps a bit forced, favour, the latter is a ticket to a burn-treatment center.
Naturally the manager fought the bacon-crazed employee who then responded by slapping the manager. With the bacon still in her hands. As the report noted, if the manager had just eaten the bacon coming at her, the unruly employee would have been pretty much disarmed. It is unknown if she also shrieked, “Do you want fries with that?”
The police were called, and a warrant for the bacon barbarian was issued. When apprehended, she will face charges of assault and battery.
The story did not contain a resolution, so for all we know she may still be at large. Who knows, she may have headed for the Canadian border to escape prosecution. So just in case, if you see a wild-eyed woman eating a BLT on the streets, play it safe and avoid her! Or at least do not ask her for a bite of her sandwich, tempting as it may be to do so.
That is not the only case of meat mayhem. In Goldsboro, North Carolina, during an argument, a man’s girlfriend slapped him upside the head with an entire package of bacon. The boyfriend did not press charges, probably because hey – free bacon! Apparently, the further south you go, the nuttier people get. The tale is insane. After all, who would waste perfectly good bacon by using it as a weapon?
And in where we deduced may have been in the city of Madison, Wisconsin (forgive us for the sketchy details, we just dig this stuff up, we can’t always figure out the whereabouts unless it is explicitly stated and bacon crime is often a deeply shrouded mystery), a man – are you ready for this – named Thomas Bacon was arrested for allegedly assaulting another man for eating the last piece of breakfast sausage.
We also learned that back in 2014, a man in Staten Island, New York was arrested for attempting to steal 48(!) packages of bacon from a grocery store, hiding the merchandise beneath his clothes. Along with some beer and dog food. We can imagine one store clerk commenting to another, “Hey did that guy weigh 300 pounds when he came in here?!?” At least the thief thought of his dogas well, we guess. So he can’t be ALL bad.
Next, in 2013, a woman was arrested in Athens, Georgia at a Piggily Wiggily grocery store for swiping five packs of bacon and two packages of chicken wings. When observant employees attempted to confront her, she sprayed them with pepper spray. She had to be insane. After-all, she could have gotten two extra packs of bacon if she had left the chicken wings behind. She ended up receiving five years in the pig-penitentiary for her misdeeds.
Finally, in 2010, in Surrey, England, a crook broke into a home and stole a pack of bacon from the refrigerator. He left a single uncooked slice hanging from the doorknob of the house, indicating that he was not entirely heartless.
And that concludes out forensic time-travel into the world of purloined pork crimes. We’ll leave you with this bit of advice: keep your bacon locked up!
